This episode is…a thing that happens. It’s just one of those episodes that IS. I watch it, and ones like it, these days without much feeling or interest. It’s a creepy concept, but ends up being one of those throwaway episodes that BtVS occasionally produces. Let’s get to it, shall we?
It opens with Buffy and Joyce shopping in the mall, arguing about an outfit Joyce won’t let Buffy get because it makes her look like “a street walker.” Um, Joyce, I know you’re away from home a lot, but not infrequently your daughter is dressed weird as hell / in see-through shirts / in dresses shorter than her jackets. So this is a weird argument to suddenly be having. Weird, but it’s nice to see a semi-normal interaction between Buffy and her mom…so naturally, it’s ruined by the appearance of a vampire, which Buffy senses and follows instead of picking up her mom’s dry cleaning.
The vamp in question is about to munch on an astonishingly unsuspecting girl. Seriously, Buffy practically has to pick up the vampire and hit her with it to get her to finally notice. And man, I’m not feeling this vamp or his brother
(the Gorches) in this episode. I just moved to the south after being very much a northern lady my whole life, so I’m pretty burnt out on cowboy hats, honestly. Plus these two are just boring.
After a quick fight, the vampire conveniently mentions his brother and escapes, and Buffy seems extremely willing to let him go and not chase after him. It’s probably because of the hat. Buffy goes to meet Joyce in the food court, forgetting about her dry cleaning. So Joyce gives her a mini-lecture on not being so selfish, and Buffy jokes that she saves the world from vampires. Incidentally, this is another moment where Joyce could and would have flipped, if “Normal Again” really happened. But I digress.
We cut to Xander and Cordelia making out in a closet. It’s Xander and Cordelia, so making out implies a ton of bickering. This leads into a weird sex ed biology lesson scene, wherein the students are all given eggs to take care of like babies. A side note: this ALWAYS happens on TV shows, but I was never given such a task in high school and always felt cheated. Seems like such an easy A.
Buffy didn’t attend class for an unexplained reason. Surely telling Giles about Cowboy Vamp only took about three seconds?
But anyway, Willow and Xander meet her in the library to deliver her egg and let her know she’s a single egg mother. The editing in this scene has always driven me nuts, since the chain thingy around Buffy’s egg keeps changing position between cuts. Anyway, Giles reveals that the new vampires in town are the Gorch brothers, who are very stupid, and that even though they’re stupid, Buffy should patrol for them. I mean. I guess she should. Zzzzz.
In the next scene, Buffy and Angel are making out in a cemetery instead of hunting, and the camera pans out to show the Gorch brothers spying on them from a nearby tree, which is not at all creepy. They also recognize Angel, which is a little bizarre and never explained beyond this. I’m not really complaining about it. The Gorches are really boring and I don’t want to write about them any more.
Back at Buffy’s house, she goes to bed after making sure she fed, burped, and changed her egg. She didn’t do any of those things because it’s impossible. Also, she should probably refrigerate her egg. I feel that if more students in Sunnydale refrigerated their eggs, hardly anyone would have become an unwitting host for a demon, but anyway. A creepy crawly thing cracks out of Buffy’s egg, crawls across her bed and goes into her ears and over her face. How the eggs do this but return to an intact state in the morning is another thing that’s never explained. Whatever.
The Gorches are in a sewer, arguing and fighting. Snooooore. I just don’t care about them at all.
Buffy wakes up with a bad egg parasite hangover, and we quickly find out that Willow seems to have an egg hangover too. Xander’s perky, though. Which is quickly partially explained by Xander dropping his egg, but not cracking it. He confesses that he boiled the egg. Again, fewer people in Sunnydale would become unwitting hosts if they boiled their eggs.
Briefly, we see there’s an egg hatching on the shelf Giles is placing books on. Which…what? How come Willow and Buffy’s eggs conveniently hatch at bedtime but this egg is hatching in the middle of the gdamn morning? Makes little sense. Cordelia arrives to kick up a fuss about their absent sex ed teacher, but really it’s just to lure Xander into a closet to make out. Giles is still harping on about Buffy killing the Gorches, which cuts to a new scene of Buffy and Angel making out in a cemetery. (Can you sense my disillusionment with this episode yet?)
In this scene, Buffy discovers that Angel can’t reproduce, so a nice romantic night of vamp hunting gets interrupted by a too-
real conversation between a 200-year-old vampire and his teenage girlfriend about the realities of infertility. What’s most interesting to me is that Angel starts by saying “I don’t…I mean, I can’t…” You don’t WHAT, Angel? Ejaculate? Do vampires ejaculate? This is not the first time I’ve thought about the practicalities of vampire erections, nor will it be the last.
And look, I know there are deeper themes in this episode then “campy egg demons create mayhem.” The lesson about sex in the beginning, the lustful problems Xander and Cordelia are having, the way Buffy and Angel keep making out instead of hunting and this conversation between them about the future: I get that this episode is about giving into your passions and how that can sometimes be a bad thing, like if you completely lose control to an egg demon. I get the connection, I just don’t think the egg demon plot is very interesting or compelling. That’s why I’m joking throughout this review. It’s my way to cope with the campy egg demon, okay?
Anyway, Angel offers to hunt for the Gorches so Buffy can go home early, after more making out. Meanwhile, a janitor at Sunnydale High wanders into the unlocked basement, which is generally never a good idea at Sunnydale High. The lights don’t work, which is also not good. The janitor discovers a giant tunnel in the wall. Missing Teacher guy (who I know has a name, but I keep missing it) appears behind him and knocks him into the tunnel.
As Buffy arrives back into her room through the window, her egg is hatching. She fights the thing that comes out of it, which looks half like a human hand, half like a rubbery scorpion. Not a good look. She stabs it with a huge pair of scissors, then immediately calls Willow to see if her egg is normal. Willow assures her that all is well, but when they hang up, we see that her egg is open and Willow’s staring lifelessly into space. Buffy doesn’t call Xander or Giles or anyone else because Willow is her favorite. Also because Willow suggests it’s a trap planted by the Gorch brothers, which makes less sense than if she had said nothing. How would the Gorch brothers know about this assignment, get in contact with the teacher’s egg supply, etc etc etc? Host Willow is dumb.
Joyce comes into Buffy’s bedroom, having heard her on the phone with Willow. A dramatic fight with an egg demon is
apparently quieter than a short conversation. Anyway. I’m so over Joyce not knowing that Buffy’s the Slayer. Joyce grounds Buffy “for the rest of her natural life” which seems to be a slight exaggeration to a late phone call and Buffy not being in her pajamas at the right time.
At school, Cordelia’s wearing a completely weird bear backpack that she defends way too passionately. Buffy asks her about her egg and she confirms that no, nothing’s weird about it. Actually what she says is, “It’s an egg, it doesn’t emote,” which is a great line. Willow, Cordy and Buffy talk eggs and Willow offers to help with the autopsy of the creature Buffy brought with her. The camera shows us that one of the egg demons is attached to Willow’s lower back as they walk along.
Nearby, Xander decides to eat his hard boiled egg, which seems to be a really dumb idea even if you don’t know it’s actually a demon because he’s been carrying it around a LOT and it’s probably no longer good to eat. Right as he’s about to bite it, he sees the gross thing inside and freaks.
In the science lab, Cordelia’s egg demon comes out of her bear, unbeknownst to our heroes. Again with the random time thing. It’s pretty amazing that THIS is the bezoar’s master plan. It seems like it worked only out of sheer luck.
Anyway, Willow says something about how the offspring just want to return to the mother bezoar, Cordy keels over for a minute, and both Willow and Cordy then attack Buffy and Xander and drag them into a closet, before going down to the basement with some other hosts to dig in the tunnel we previously saw.
Joyce arrives at the library to pick up Buffy (which means, Jesus, she and Xander have been unconscious for upwards of 8-10 hours, assuming they went to the science lab straightaway in the morning? They need a hospital). She finds Giles and bitches at him. Agh, shut up, Joyce. Giles shuts her up by putting an egg demon on her, thank goodness. They go down to the basement too, with like ten other people. HOW is the bezoar so good at this? In the basement, they’re all harvesting eggs from the goopy mama bezoar underneath the floor.
Buffy and Xander wake up (finally, probably with brain damage) to discover two eggs in the closet with them. They go to the
library, where Giles helpfully left the bezoar book open to the right page. In the hallway, Jonathan is attacked by an egg demon. Poor Jonathan. They follow him into the basement and through the big tunnel.
Xander stays while Buffy goes to get “a big weapon” which is just..the worst idea. Come on, Buff, Xander’s useless. Also, she grabs the first thing she sees in the basement–some type of ax–and like, there were only about a hundred axes where she was. She runs into the Gorches and they fight. YAWN. They fall through the tunnel and then Buffy and the Gorches are fighting all the people controlled by the bezoar.
Xander’s master plan is to follow Cordelia and punch her. Look, I don’t know what his plan means. Meanwhile, Tector Gorch is…eaten or something by the bezoar. Buffy then gets sucked into the bezoar’s…hole thingy, where she kills it off-camera. I mean, this whole episode and we don’t even get a climactic fight? DOUBLE YAWN. The egg demons fall off their hosts and everyone goes to sleep. Gorch brother #2 runs away after Buffy climbs out of the hole, freaked out by how easily she killed the bezoar.
I adore the cover story they use, though, with absolutely no sarcasm. Giles blearily tells everyone coming out of the basement that it was a gas leak. “These gas things will happen.” Then he immediately asks Xander, “What was it, really?” Love you, Giles. Never change. Of course, everyone falls for it because weirder things have been covered up with less of an explanation in Sunnydale, I’m sure.
Joyce immediately yells at Buffy. Ughhhh. Like you couldn’t cut her some slack, given that there was a gas leak that knocked out dozens of people, including Joyce? Whatever, lady. She tells Buffy that she’s confined to her bedroom forever. What?
Episode ends with Buffy and Angel loudly and grossly kissing through her open window. Which is sweet, I guess. Aside from the volume of the thing.
Okay, done! “Bad Eggs” is what it is, in summation. It’s all part of the journey.